Devil May Cry meets Herbal Essences
by LucidTear
Summary: Oneshot VxL. It was just another day at the office until Lady got into the Herbal Essences. It's my first time posting a fanfic on this site, so yeah, be nice..


Basic Summary:

Random thought about Herbal Essences: This is what happens when I drink too much Gatorade and read too many fanfictions! VxL of course!!! .. -- I **_so_** need to get a life… this story has gone through so many facelifts I think that even Joan Rivers would be proud.

**Disclaimer: **All right I obviously don't own anything here except for my frivolous imagination. Capcom owns Devil May Cry and all it's characters.. I just like to borrow them to have fun!

Oh of the Heavenly Divine: Herbal Essences By LucidTear/ Niki P.

Temen-ni-gru had fallen and the demons were slain. Though there still existed a few wayward demons they weren't anything Dante couldn't handle.. being a son of Sparda nearly insured complete survival. He had brought Vergil, battered and beaten, back to the human world again regardless of his brothers' feeble attempt to hurt him. He would never forgive his foolish younger brother.. then again if he could gain power he didn't care. Overall the suburbia surrounding the agency had stayed silent. Yet today the Devil May Cry agency was about to have it's own bout of mischief. The agency was quieter than usual… until of course the shower was turned on. Lady had slain her fill of demons for the evening and felt the need to take a bath. She had abandoned her armor belt on the front desk and had gone into the back room. Since Dante had left a while back to finish up on demon hunting and Vergil had disappeared for, in his morbid tone: "Groceries". Lady shrugged it all off as another stunt they would both pull and end up coming back with some apparent blood-loss but as usual, nothing could kill those two. After tossing the last of her clothes onto the bathroom counter she pulled the curtains back revealing a steamy shower awaiting her.

After soaking down she noticed all the different colored shower gels that were available and grinned like a wild cat, "Who knew the Sparda boys were so well groomed?" she laughed, well she knew Vergil was the most well kept brother in the whole agency but she wasn't about to feed his already growing ego. Mundus only knew that his ego was the size of Temen-ni-gru!

The doors to the agency opened with a sickening lurch and admitted the blue-clad half-devil Vergil.  
His eyes scanned the perimeter lazily as his left hand held a small bag of groceries and the other held Yamato deftly. Upon hearing the shower running he glared at the oak door that led to the bathroom, no doubt Lady was taking a shower. He knew his brother too well, Dante was a natural mess and slob, taking showers was a liberty his red-clad twin barely had the chance to partake in due to the constant callings for demon extermination. With a sigh he walked to the small kitchen, which had recently been redecorated due to Lady's preferences, and settled the groceries on the table. Giving the clock on the wall a sideways glance, he smirked to himself; Dante was late. Usually he would speed through any job just to get back and eat the leftover pizza on his desk. At the sight of said pizza Vergil nearly gagged in shear disgust, how his brother managed to eat such a greasy thing made his stomach lurch.

Shrugging out of his blue long coat he laid it out casually on the arm of the nearest red couch, Dante apparently turned his last coat stand into a fighting poll to fend off the demons Arkham released in the building. Clutching Yamato he strode upstairs with elegant steps and headed towards his room, he set his cherished sword beside him as he sat at the end of the bed and he began to take off his boots. Demon or no a man needs his rest; I don't care if you're Houdini or even a son of Sparda it all comes down to the world you live in!

A few moments later quite audible moans began to resonate from the shower, one moan causing Vergil to raise one silver brow in question 'Did she hurt herself? Pathetic,' discarding his boots near his bedside he laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling and scowled as another loud moan sung right into his _now_ flaming ears. "Gr, enough!" he frowned turning on his side hoping that her insistent moans would end but alas, they merely continued! Twenty minutes had passed, Vergil lay restless gazing up at the forlorn ceiling.. 'Will her moans _ever_ cease?' he questioned. He was beginning to wonder what exactly was in his brothers' shower that would make one so _excited._ A soft gasp and then another heart-melting moan hissed into his ears. Grimacing in obvious disgust he tried to block away his stubborn thoughts by closing his eyes and forcing himself to fall into a meditative sleep. At least this way the barrier he created couldn't be penetrated by any noise or any_one_… and if by chance noise did somehow penetrate through, he was going to send a phantom sword into the oak door that led to the bathroom.

Unbeknownst to the current events Dante strode in casually with his sword slung over his shoulder in a somewhat faltered bravado. He was tired, exhausted even, the hundredth Hell Vanguard was far more intelligent then it's flock and became a challenge for Dante but he persevered. All he wanted was a glass of tomato juice and to kick back on his favorite armchair, yet the first thing to greet his ears once he stepped in was the moaning coming from _HIS_ bathroom. He arched a brow in wonder, he spotted Lady's armor belt on his desk and he saw the groceries on the table.. hmm Vergil was back. Knowing Vergil he most likely would either be taking a nap or taking a shower right now and upon seeing his twins' trademark blue coat on the couch gave him the thought he would be doing the latter. A lingering moan made his ears perk up, Vergil does NOT moan, besides it sounded far more feminine anyways. He looked from the coat, to the armor belt, to the bathroom door, coat, armor belt.. bathroom door. One more moan escaped from the hidden room. Then it clicked in his mind.. no the click sounded more like a bone breaking. His eye twitched comically, was Vergil doing what he THOUGHT he was doing.

Dante narrowed his eyes at the bathroom door and set his sword on his desk before picking up Ebony & Ivory out of the holsters on his back. He took one step forward and the loudest moan this evening was heard from the bathroom Dante cringed, his ire was rising. If he _dared_ find his brother seducing _his_ partner.. oblivion would come early.

Then as Dante's fingers barely caressed the handle he heard a small moan from Lady that made his heart and nerves jump, "Oooooh Yes! Yes! YES!! Ahhh it feels so good!!! MORE!!! Ahhh!"

Before he could tighten his grip on the handle, "Enough! I can't take it anymore!" Dante's eyes widened to the size of dinner saucers.. Vergil! Oh that was it! He was going to make ABSOLUTELY _SURE_ this time that Vergil was dead as a doornail!

"Ooooh…"

Lady's moans came to a sudden stop and Dante stared at the door like a deer in the headlights before his twins voice broke through his thoughts yet again,

"Finally! Must you take so long to finish?! I'm nearly deaf!" The water was turned off and Dante took a step back, screw guns! He was going to punch his brother square in the arrogant face.. over and over again! He raised his fist ready to pound the _hell_ out of Vergil as soon as he exited through that door, then he heard boots patting against wood. He turned to the where the sound was coming from just in time to see his brother walk down the steps, his hair de-shelved and a look of shear annoyance grazing his usually stoic and cold features. He looked like he had either been in a street fight.. or a tussle with a certain Lady. Vergil glared at his brother before walking back to the neglected groceries and Dante did a double take. If Vergil was out here then who was in there with Lady making her moan like that?

As the door opened out to him Dante stumbled back as his pale blue eyes were greeted with a fully dressed Lady who wore a satisfied grin on her face. She looked from Dante to Vergil then back to Dante again,

"Well you're back!" Lady smiled jovially while Vergil sent her the most displeased glare he could through heavy eyes and Dante merely stared on.

"Uh, are you okay?" Lady waved a hand in front of Dante's face and he quickly shook it off and sighed,

"What was going _ON_ in there? Having a party I wasn't invited to?" His cheesy jokes were back and Lady could only roll her eyes.

"I was taking a shower.." she answered half-heartedly, she really didn't have the time for his sarcasm. Vergil opened the refrigerator to put away some of the food, pausing, his cold voice descended upon her like a breath of frozen air to the back of ones neck,

"Clearly, but what of the moans? Sleeping has become overrated with such a.._ vulgar _noise," Vergil gave her a disgusted look before shaking his head and turning back to the bag on the counter.

"Oh that.." Lady began to laugh and both of the brothers stared at her as if she were a maniac. 'How can she just laugh?! Because of her I barely was given a second of blissful silence to rest' Vergil could only scowl at her with hazy blue eyes and her bi-colored ones met his and he could clearly see they were filled with nothing but laughter. Dante still a little bewildered gave her a knowing look, 'Spill it babe… the more I know the better.'

"That Herbal Essences stuff really _does_ make you cry out just like those commercials say, I can't believe it!"

Lady walked to one of the couches and propped her legs up on the small coffee table. Seeing Dante's look of somewhat distress she felt almost obligated to ask..

"What _did _you think I was doing?" She asked off handedly and Dante grinned like a madman,

"I thought that you were doing-" Before he could finish his sentence a loaf of bread collided with the back of his white haired head.

"Hey what was that for?!" Dante yelped out. Vergil eyed his brother with a look of great annoyance,

"I know what wanders through your perverse mind, please keep it to yourself.."

And with that he sauntered back into the kitchen to prepare himself a meal. Lady still gave him a questioning look and she immediately received a warning glare from Vergil.

"I thought you and Vergil were doing the deed, that's what I thought you were doing!" Dante began laughing stupidly, he sneaked a glance down at Lady to see her looking absolutely pissed off her hand resting on the Desert Eagle her finger twitching at the trigger.

"What?!!!"

Vergil had the most horrified expression on his face as if he was just told that it was actually possible for him to die, he couldn't even speak but he felt a strong urge to stab Dante with the Yamato repeatedly without slowing his pace.

Dante gave a nervous laugh, "It was just a thought! What?!"

Lady was the first to speak up, "Me.. with _HIM_??!!! Are you insane?! What makes you think I would.." Lady shuddered and Vergil had gained his composure enough to speak his piece as well,

"Brother I believe you've officially lost what ever sanity you've ever had, honestly.. me with a _human_?! Disgraceful!" Tilting his head in fake curiosity his voice dripped with distaste at the word 'human' and his eyes had grown even more cold and distant.

Lady took offense but said nothing as Dante shrugged unfazed.

"See with all that built up tension I bet it could explode into one big steamy make out session! Seriously, you two need to get laid!" Then he turned to face Vergil with that cheesy grin plastered across his face, "_Especially_ you!" Lady's eyes widened in realization 'He's egging us on! He's enjoying this!!! Fine, I'll just give him a taste of his own medicine!' Lady thought, she glanced at Vergil and he gave her a knowing look, he was always keen on other's thoughts beforehand.

Lady slowly holstered her sidearm onto her thigh and walked over to the kitchen counter and turned her back to Dante who was eyeing her with a look of ignorant bliss, he looked like a true moron then and there. Vergil looked to her and a smirk began to appear on his normally emotionless face, he quickly caught on to his brothers' taunts and he too was willing to toy with his feeble mind as Lady had suggested with mischievous eyes.

"Does the Lady think my brother's words bare any significance to last night?" Vergil asked in a seductive tone and Lady could only snicker quietly to hold back her giggles, it was a good thing her back was facing Dante or else he would have seen through their little charade. Vergil wasn't going to tolerate any sidetracking so he gave her a look that clearly said, 'don't test my patience.'

"Oh, I don't know.. didn't you like it? I mean I practically wore you out. Maybe I should have let you take control this time.. I almost forgot how much you enjoy being in control." Lady was on the edge of tears, if she held back one more laugh she was almost positive she would explode into a small fit of giggles. Standing behind the counter, a glass in hand, Vergil scowled at her under his false mask of pride,

'Don't push me' he whispered to her and she gave him a challenging look,  
'What's the matter? Afraid it'll sound a little _too_ authentic?' Vergil's icy cold glare was making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up yet she ignored it, instead she dared to reach over her hand and begin to play with the one stray lock of silvery hair that hung boyishly over his forehead. He was glaring daggers at her.. and if he could he would be shooting phantom blades into her prone form. He was losing his nerve, he didn't let _anyone_ lay a hand on him he was going to have his revenge soon enough. Raising his hand he swiftly caught her wrist with no effort.

"Please, refrain from making such thoughts apparent," Vergil teased and Lady let out a small laugh that came out as a little moan as she struggled to contain her amusement, Vergil looked down at her and saw her cheeks were flushed pink he concluded it must've been from holding in her laughter. Or… could it be that she was enjoying this? He challenged her to look him in the eye with a dominant pull at her wrist and she met his snow-like gaze with her own teary look of insane enjoyment.

Dante could only stare on in disbelief, here he was listening to his prudish and cold hearted brother talk _seductively_ to the one race he despised; humans. And then there was Lady, demon huntress and demon hater! She loathed all demons _especially_ Vergil and himself with a fiery passion yet she had no choice but to live with them. Oh how the tides of fate swirled against them. He could feel a twinge within him burn up.. jealousy? Maybe. He really liked Lady but to say that to her face would make her laugh hysterically, either that or she would shoot him in the head again. Dante furrowed his brows as he saw Vergil make his move and it was then Dante felt the urge to strangle his brother with great vigor.

Seeing Dante flinch Vergil grinned wildly before wrapping one arm around Lady's waist. He looked into her eyes, his own snow like attitude melting away under her flaming one. His other hand was holding onto Yamato possessively but Lady had also set her hand on the hilt of the sword, Vergil glared at her menacingly,

"What are you doing..?" he asked with bated breath as the warm air brushed Lady on the cheek. "Pissing off your brother.." she smiled and Vergil grinned back evilly, oh he was going to enjoy this. Throwing Yamato onto the nearby couch next to Dante with deadly accuracy he gathered Lady into his arms and kissed her with such intensity her eyes widened in shock, he was kissing her. _He_ was kissing _her_! She heard a low growl from Dante in the corner and she immediately shut her eyes and kissed Vergil back. His lips were cold at first but the heat of her own was heating up his senses drastically so much so he opened his eyes half way to stare at her and she merely winked at him. His body was growing tense above hers as her body heat seeped through his clothes, and Lady was far more along that road. She felt a delightful shiver run down her spine as Vergil ran his hand down her back and he began to make his way under her blouse resulting in a startled gasp from Lady.

"Hey uh.. Lady? I didn't really mean that I uh.. WHOA! Hey now you two!!" Dante's eyes nearly fell out in shock, the couple began to fumble around with there clothes and that's when he coughed loudly as to alert them of his presence but Vergil frowned at him and he broke his kiss from Lady. She was left gasping; who knew the elder son of Sparda was well versed in the ways of sensual torture?

"What's the matter _brother_? You look pale.." Vergil sneered and he pulled Lady so close to himself he heard her gasp as her body was pressed firmly against his own which made his smirk grow into a devilish grin.

"You two aren't really going to uh.. well you know.." Dante tripped on his own tongue, he couldn't believe this! Were they actually taking his advice? Pity he was too blind to see the truth behind this charade. Lady sighed and put on her best lust-filled voice she could muster, which wasn't too hard since Vergil had done the job at seducing her very well,

"Oh come on Dante, you just said we should get intimate! And this feels so good. Doesn't it Vergil?"

She ran her fingers through his hair and Vergil just noticed that something inside him was aching to take over. Possess her even, he was fighting back the urge to literally throw her on the couch and ravage her, it must have been a devils' instinct, but he reminded himself that this was nothing more than a game. Lady never liked him in such a matter, he was cold and distant and she was hot and passionate. Opposites attract right? Which led him to answer Lady's inquiry, he looked down into her eyes and his pale lips parted,

"Indeed, you dare interfere Dante?"

Dante's eyes widened, "You two planning on going all the way?! I can't bear to see my partner and my brother-"

Before he could say anything more Vergil had carried Lady to the couch and settled her down before he took a seat next to her. Pushing aside her chocolaty tresses he began to lay his lips upon the tender flesh of her neck causing her to moan out his name. With each soft and painful bite to her neck left a cherry red marking making Vergil groan in satisfaction as he felt her hand wander along his torso. As he kissed her the fresh aroma of Jasmines assaulted his keen senses and he nearly lost himself. His limits were being pushed and thoroughly tested, being new to such feelings he would bid his time, he was confident in his skills nonetheless. He summoned his steel-like reserves to hold him back awhile longer, long enough to completely elude his young and naïve twin. Lady could hardly resist, it felt so unimaginably good, no.. _he_ felt unimaginably good. Who would have known a devil's kiss could melt your soul and light your senses ablaze? His warm breath was caressing her silky neck and all she could do was run her nimble fingers through his white locks urging him on. Each kiss sent a swirling pillar of heat to explode inside her stomach and with each breath he exhaled upon her a shiver ran down her back.

'How far are you willing to lead him?' he whispered into her ear, his warm breath making her shudder in involuntary ecstasy and Lady ran her fingers through his feathery hair before grasping him and pulling him close,  
'As far as it takes him to break.' her lust filled voice soothed his mind and he responded by merely burying his face into the crook of her neck. Tearing her eyes away from Vergil's sensual ministrations she gazed into Dante's glazed over eyes,

"What? You can't bear to-" Vergil tenderly nibbled along her neck causing her to pause and clench her eyes closed purring out his name, "Oooh Vergil…you mean you can't bear to watch us make love?" Lady asked Dante in a tone reminiscent of a little girl who was asking where babies came from.

Dante could feel himself sweating, was he losing it? Mr. Overconfidence was turning into a wet puddle at his own feet. He only wished Lady would do those things to him, and he would be the one to make her cry out his name. He glared at Vergil as a red spark of anger glinted in his eyes. How is it that one statement would persuade her enough to pounce on Vergil yet when he tried his hand at getting her to hook up with himself it fell flat? Vergil had caught his brothers' menacing stare and continued to work Lady into moaning more often, he knew Dante was close to gone and as far as he was concerned he wanted Dante gone... in jealousy and ego.

She began to giggle as the eldest son of Sparda nibbled on her earlobe. She mentally slapped herself, sure it felt good.. no _orgasmic_, she couldn't just melt under the older twins grasp. It was when he groped her thigh languidly she grabbed his vest and kissed him. She wanted control of the situation and there was no way in _hell _that she was going to give in, even if it meant making both brothers lose their sanity. The second contact from the kiss made the currents of ecstasy spiral out of control within both of them. Vergil's eyes widened a considerable amount at her sudden action but they narrowed at her as she bit on his lower lip as a form of revenge. Moaning he pressed his tongue on her lips trying to pry himself in but she fought him off. Seeing as he wouldn't get in he grabbed her hair and tugged down painfully hard as she cried out and that was all the opportunity he needed as he plunged himself into her warm and waiting depths. Things were playing out well for them but Dante was more than a little jealous at this point. Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat he found his voice and hoped it didn't give away too much of how shocked he was.. and somewhat aroused as well.

'They should stop, I mean..this ain't right! He's my brother!.. my twin brother, so it looks I'm..' a twisted grin crossed his face. Threesome anyone? This wasn't his style.. he'd have kicked Vergil's ass and taken Lady back but right now.. things were a little _too _complicated for his liking, like explaining the situation below.

"Just knock it off will ya?" he answered meekly running a hand through his hair abashedly. Then in an instant both Vergil and Lady broken apart. And though they both were still seated on the plush red couch somewhat entangled in each others grasps, in a flash Lady was pointing the Desert Eagle at Dante's forehead and Vergil's Yamato was unsheathed and was aimed with deadly precision at his younger twins throat, and while his left hand sported Yamato the other was sinfully resting on Lady's thigh.

"Okay, that's fine with me, how about you Vergil?" Lady smiled as she pulled the hammer down.  
"Not a problem," smirked Vergil as his hand teasingly slid up Lady's thigh and rested on her hip. She sighed with a pent up need to unleash her passions and rested her other hand on Vergil's wandering one.

"Vergil, shouldn't you wait?"

Lady pleaded and it was then that Dante immediately saw it, his brothers' hand was snaking up under Lady's blouse. He was losing control fast, he could feel his demon energies building up.. he was going to trigger if his restraint faltered, but then again he wasn't about to admit he was enjoying the show… but still he preferred two girls.

"How can I?"

He replied smiling coyly before running a warm tongue across her pearly neck and she nearly screamed out his name in shock. Feeling out her reactions he began to glide his tongue across her exposed neck until he felt her hand tighten on his. He found it; her weak spot. He began to suckle on the tender flesh relentlessly as Lady lost her calm demeanor and moaned with chained up desire. She would have just thrown her gun onto the table, game or not.. she was far beyond the throws of lust to give a damn! Vergil was merely entranced in carnal desire, had he not trained his mind and body he would have given in like a weak human, and those actions were not tolerated. But Lady had done a fine job at shattering his barriers by simply crying out his name and touching him in places no other human would _dare. _He was hoping his brother would falter soon or else he really would have to take the pure priestess to a world of true bliss.

"Now, now little brother, show some respect.." Dante had stepped forward but Vergil's sword that was still raised had pierced his throat, the elder borther grinned as he saw the flash of anger in Dante's eyes. Dante just exposed his fear to him and he was going to expose it with as much passionate audacity he could build up with Lady still beside him. Staring his brother dead in the eyes he slid his warm hand all the way up Lady's shirt feeling the soft ripples of her flesh in a slow torturing way making her nearly plead him to stop and then in one swift motion he bit on her earlobe hard and she cried out in both pain and _false_ pleasure, Dante snapped…

The devil trigger consumed him, a bright red aura engulfed him and everything in the vicinity became nothing more but airborne debris, Vergil spinning the Yamato deflected any wandering scraps that came close and Lady brought up both her arms to shield her face defensively. Once Dante was back in his human form Lady couldn't help but smile at him,

"Man, you are _SO_ easy to piss off!" and she broke out into laughter before hesitantly heading upstairs to her room and Vergil narrowed his eyes at his younger sibling,

"Foolishness Dante, foolishness."

Letting a grim chuckle escape his lips he headed back into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water because only Mundus knew how dry his throat had gotten once Lady had melted down his barriers. Unintentionally he was turned on by her actions and he had to do what he could to put out the wild flames before they grew too wicked, and a glass of ice water would do the trick.. either that or find a group of demons to slay to rid his mind of his momentary fantasies.

"What???!!!" It finally sunk in and Dante fell to his knees, "Aw I can't **BELIEVE** this! Psyched out by my own bro and my own chick!"

Vergil shook his head as he finished the glass of water,

"On the contrary, Mary is not _your_ 'chick'. She's Arkham's daughter and a human above all else," Dante narrowed his eyes at his cold twin and pointed an accusing finger at him,

"You!! It was all your idea huh?!" Vergil scowled, and looked up the stairs as Lady came striding down with a mischievous look across her face, she had slipped into something less fragrant of Vergil's scent.. and less exposing.

"No it wasn't him.." she answered with a wicked grin. Dante's eyebrows shot up in questionable disbelief,

"Then it was you?" he asked Lady. Vergil shook his head,

"No.." Vergil and Lady caught each other's eyes and they nodded in silent agreement as they said together in unison,

"It was the Herbal Essences." A mere second of silence then,

"AWWWWW MAN!!!!!" Lady was surprised that Vergil even used the product but she figured it out when his moans woke her up the next afternoon. The Devil May Cry agency was never the same again every now and then when given the opportunity Vergil would entrap Lady and she would cry out his name in false passion and Dante could only say,

"Herbal Essences.. the reason my partner and brother are sex maniacs!"

The End… or is it?

A/N: This is the first fanfic I have ever written that is with mature content.. heck this is the first fanfic I have ever posted on a site! Please Read and Review all feedback is welcome.. just don't be too blunt, I'm just breaking into fanfics.

I need to lay off fanfics for awhile.. I have so much work to finish!!!… on my DA account of course!


End file.
